Dear Milk Thief

Your identity is safe (lucky you), because clearly you are a well-practiced sneaky pilferer of dairy products.

Let me explain this slowly just in case you're on the same level of intelligence as the Cup Thief of October oh nine (although I suspect you are not stupid, just a bad person).

The reason I bring a litre of fat-free woollies milk with me to work on Monday and keep it in the office fridge with my name clearly marked on it is because I'm not exactly a huge fan of full-cream, long-life box milk (that's if this communal milk lasts past 10 am anyway) and I like to know that, come Thursday, I don't have to worry about going to the kitchen in desperate need of a cuppa, only to find there's not a lactose molecule in sight.

I do not do it so that you can help yourself willy-nilly to the milk that I have brought (and bought just by the way, so that's technically stealing) and then leave the tiniest of drops in the bottle so that it masquerades on the fridge shelf as actually containing liquid – that is, until I go to make a cup of tea...

I would be especially grateful if you didn't finish it by Tuesday afternoon.

I am not a selfish person. If you had asked me, I would have given you all the milk from all the cows in all the country. But no.

And now, being alerted to the existence of someone with such an intolerable sense of entitlement, I am keeping an eye on my cottage cheese, which appears to be disappearing rather a little too quickly as well.

You have been warned.

Regards,

The person whose name was clearly marked on the bottle of milk.